You're not where you think you are. Probably.

I've been practicing mindfulness, awareness, and living in the NOW.  I attended a women's step meeting last week and felt absolutely on fire, felt like I absolutely had this thing down.  I was present and attentive!  Everyone should be able to do this!  How surprised I was when I got home and unloaded my bag and found that I had not one but THREE Big Books in my purse.  Do you know how heavy that is?  Totally present and in the NOW right?  Nice ego buster.  I crack myself up. 

A girl I met at a meeting last week has 24 hours today.  It's a beautiful thing.  Seeing her racked with shame and remorse at her first meeting, watching her get ready to quit, and hearing the excitement in her voice when she's heard something at a meeting she relates to, has been so powerful.  I'm rooting hard for her.  I'm also watching myself carefully.  I'm pretty sure I have Alanonic tendencies.  I'm also keenly aware that I don't know much, and probably less than I think I do.

First drunk dream last night.  I woke up in my old state.  Screaming voices in the head, fast beating heart, feeling of panic, anger that I had to get kids dressed and to school, bitterness that the boyfriend wasn't helping (not that he could); the whole enchilada.  For the most part I acted like an ass but I do give myself credit for not kicking anything or slamming any doors.  I started to shout right before school drop off but even that is an improvement.  I haven't apologized to the kiddos or boyfriend yet.  I should.  I will.

Here's the cool part though.  Later when I was home alone I opened page 85 and did "on awakening" then I read the third step prayer on page 63.   And even though it only felt like reading, I haven't been much of an ass since 10am.  That's hope.

Dear God, thank you for this day.  I haven't had a drink and I haven't wanted one.  Thank you for that Grace.  Thank you for the reminders that You have placed in my life, may I never forget how miserable it was.  How hopeless I was.  How far You've brought me.  Every second, every action - may I do Your Will and not mine.