That's the message I'm getting from meetings, the BB, and speaker tapes. Sandy B. just talked about the power to be happy. The ability to be happy regardless of circumstances. Can that really happen? Should I choose to believe those that have completed the steps? Do I deserve it? Can I actually do it? Do I really want to let go of this pitiful blanket?
I certainly have the ability to be unhappy regardless of circumstances. I have often been so blessed and so miserable. I've heard; "Just be happy!" "You have it made!" "What do you have to be unhappy about?" and the like for years. I've never been able to explain the misery that is me. Depression isn't passing, it is me. The absence of joy. For years.
Finally, AA names my conditon "spiritual malady" and assures me that I'm not unique. AA says there is a common solution. It turns out my nine year old son was closest to the truth when he said, "Mom you're just feeling sorry for yourself".
God, This morning I've already yelled at small children, cut my boyfriend with my words, and lied to a woman that's trying to help me. It's only 10:08AM. Thank you that I know that I've done wrong. Thank you for showing me! Forgive me. Release me from self and keep me from harming others. I know you feel my effort. Your Will not mine.
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