After nine months of sobriety, I stopped for one beer from the store. I deserved it, damn it! I was working hard on the job and hard at home trying to keep it together and raise my kids! Well "damn it" I did. I trashed the apartment God brought me. The large one that allowed me to move out of my mother's house. The one that was rented to me despite the fact that I was unemployed and had been twice evicted from other places. Paying the rent didn't pose a problem because God gave me a job that paid $5 more an hour than the one I'd lost to my drinking the year before. I lost the respect of the family that had cared for my children while I did four months of inpatient treatment. I made selfish and reckless personal decisions. I started a relationship. I pulled a geographical. I kept drinking. I became more miserable. I begin cutting to stop crying. I called my prior sponsor. I drank. I called again. Desire began to rise.
About a month ago, I found myself 24 hours sober for the first time in over a year. It was just bad luck that the local county fair did not have a beer garden. After spending almost $90 to ride the rides with my sons, we were going to get our money's worth. Since I'm always sure that every eye is on me, I laughed extra loud and smiled hugely and loved and played with my boys for all the world to see. To my surprise, I really did have a good time. Some of those laughs were genuine. The boys grabbed for my hands and leaned happily against me. It had been a long time. It was an amazing day.
As we left the fairgrounds, the police were heavily in force. Pure fear of consequences kept me from drinking in the car on the way home. Once home, I realized, if I went to bed immediately, I could get 24 hours.
Thank you God for bringing me here, 31 days from that place. Forgive me for the harm I did today. My impatience, sloth, and need to be right particularly hurt those I love today. With Your Power some great things happened today too. I couldn't do Cub Scouts or bike rides or anything a month ago. Thanks for the gift of today. Thank you for the Grace that allows me to see You Everywhere at times. Forgive me for my unhappiness when I'm stuck in my head while in the midst of your wonder. Your Will not mine!
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