I've been practicing mindfulness, awareness, and living in the NOW. I attended a women's step meeting last week and felt absolutely on fire, felt like I absolutely had this thing down. I was present and attentive! Everyone should be able to do this! How surprised I was when I got home and unloaded my bag and found that I had not one but THREE Big Books in my purse. Do you know how heavy that is? Totally present and in the NOW right? Nice ego buster. I crack myself up.
A girl I met at a meeting last week has 24 hours today. It's a beautiful thing. Seeing her racked with shame and remorse at her first meeting, watching her get ready to quit, and hearing the excitement in her voice when she's heard something at a meeting she relates to, has been so powerful. I'm rooting hard for her. I'm also watching myself carefully. I'm pretty sure I have Alanonic tendencies. I'm also keenly aware that I don't know much, and probably less than I think I do.
First drunk dream last night. I woke up in my old state. Screaming voices in the head, fast beating heart, feeling of panic, anger that I had to get kids dressed and to school, bitterness that the boyfriend wasn't helping (not that he could); the whole enchilada. For the most part I acted like an ass but I do give myself credit for not kicking anything or slamming any doors. I started to shout right before school drop off but even that is an improvement. I haven't apologized to the kiddos or boyfriend yet. I should. I will.
Here's the cool part though. Later when I was home alone I opened page 85 and did "on awakening" then I read the third step prayer on page 63. And even though it only felt like reading, I haven't been much of an ass since 10am. That's hope.
Dear God, thank you for this day. I haven't had a drink and I haven't wanted one. Thank you for that Grace. Thank you for the reminders that You have placed in my life, may I never forget how miserable it was. How hopeless I was. How far You've brought me. Every second, every action - may I do Your Will and not mine.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Returning to the vast, deep, still lake - over and over again.
Grace surrounds the last few days. I switched from compulsively listening to AA speakers to compulsively listening to New Earth webcasts from Oprah and Eckhart Tolle. I feel a quickening of my Spirit. My ability to step behind my thoughts and emotions is increasing. A couple of times I've been able to feel the pain body wake up and stop myself from reaction.
This is my Higher Power. God is Love and I Am God masked by ego and pain body. Steps 1-3 become more real to me every day. I believe steps 4-9 will bring freedom as Light is shed on ego and resentment.
No further outbursts from James. He's off restriction today and has gorged on Power Rangers. His Dad and girlfriend are visiting this weekend and he's marking the days off the calendar. His need for his Dad is pulling me strongly. A move might be in order. I don't trust myself to decide. I'm working to fully accept and be grateful for where we are. God knows what we need and where we need to be. I keep telling myself; "This is NOT an emergency!"
I pulled Tate out of school at noon today. His reports from school are outstanding and I received a call from the Principal to let me know that he's making great decisions. With his teacher's blessing we went out to lunch and rode our bikes around town this afternoon. I worked hard to be present and give him my full attention. He's nine and I pray God he never sees his mother drink again.
God, thank you for this day. May I never forget that you are but a breath away. Your Will not mine.
This is my Higher Power. God is Love and I Am God masked by ego and pain body. Steps 1-3 become more real to me every day. I believe steps 4-9 will bring freedom as Light is shed on ego and resentment.
No further outbursts from James. He's off restriction today and has gorged on Power Rangers. His Dad and girlfriend are visiting this weekend and he's marking the days off the calendar. His need for his Dad is pulling me strongly. A move might be in order. I don't trust myself to decide. I'm working to fully accept and be grateful for where we are. God knows what we need and where we need to be. I keep telling myself; "This is NOT an emergency!"
I pulled Tate out of school at noon today. His reports from school are outstanding and I received a call from the Principal to let me know that he's making great decisions. With his teacher's blessing we went out to lunch and rode our bikes around town this afternoon. I worked hard to be present and give him my full attention. He's nine and I pray God he never sees his mother drink again.
God, thank you for this day. May I never forget that you are but a breath away. Your Will not mine.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
God delivered.
My middle son is sensitive, caring, and a very angry boy. He's the middle child. He finds it difficult to make friends and his nine year old brother can be cruel. This afternoon, when he wasn't allowed to do what he wanted to do, he threw his seat belt buckle at the van window. I, angrily I imagine, told him he was restricted from watching Power Rangers. Power Rangers are his passion.
During the 10 minute ride home, James called me a b. An f'n b. He screamed that he hated me and kicked my seat repeatedly. He continued to yell these things at me for thirty minutes at home. He's six.
He's never done this before. I was afraid to leave him in the house for fear he would break things or hurt his sister or the dogs. I sat him outside in a lawn chair and sat opposite him. I prayed that God be able because I was not. I told James I didn't know what to do and I was praying about it.
Quickly my anger dissipated as I realized that the words he was using were just the worst words he knew to express himself. He was hurting and angry. My focus changed from punishing to helping. His attitude however changed none whatsoever.
I'm continuing the restriction from Power Rangers and computer games. I'm going to call about family counseling in the morning. I spoke to his father and his father spoke to him. I don't know what else to do.
James is back to normal though frustrated at his restrictions. I feel guilt. I am drained. I am sad.
God, the UPS truck just delivered my Eckhart Tolle books. When I read his words I feel peace. I feel Consiousness. I believe this is You. Thanks you for delivering in time. My son is in Your hands as I am. Be able, I'm unable.
During the 10 minute ride home, James called me a b. An f'n b. He screamed that he hated me and kicked my seat repeatedly. He continued to yell these things at me for thirty minutes at home. He's six.
He's never done this before. I was afraid to leave him in the house for fear he would break things or hurt his sister or the dogs. I sat him outside in a lawn chair and sat opposite him. I prayed that God be able because I was not. I told James I didn't know what to do and I was praying about it.
Quickly my anger dissipated as I realized that the words he was using were just the worst words he knew to express himself. He was hurting and angry. My focus changed from punishing to helping. His attitude however changed none whatsoever.
I'm continuing the restriction from Power Rangers and computer games. I'm going to call about family counseling in the morning. I spoke to his father and his father spoke to him. I don't know what else to do.
James is back to normal though frustrated at his restrictions. I feel guilt. I am drained. I am sad.
God, the UPS truck just delivered my Eckhart Tolle books. When I read his words I feel peace. I feel Consiousness. I believe this is You. Thanks you for delivering in time. My son is in Your hands as I am. Be able, I'm unable.
Happy is a promise.
That's the message I'm getting from meetings, the BB, and speaker tapes. Sandy B. just talked about the power to be happy. The ability to be happy regardless of circumstances. Can that really happen? Should I choose to believe those that have completed the steps? Do I deserve it? Can I actually do it? Do I really want to let go of this pitiful blanket?
I certainly have the ability to be unhappy regardless of circumstances. I have often been so blessed and so miserable. I've heard; "Just be happy!" "You have it made!" "What do you have to be unhappy about?" and the like for years. I've never been able to explain the misery that is me. Depression isn't passing, it is me. The absence of joy. For years.
Finally, AA names my conditon "spiritual malady" and assures me that I'm not unique. AA says there is a common solution. It turns out my nine year old son was closest to the truth when he said, "Mom you're just feeling sorry for yourself".
God, This morning I've already yelled at small children, cut my boyfriend with my words, and lied to a woman that's trying to help me. It's only 10:08AM. Thank you that I know that I've done wrong. Thank you for showing me! Forgive me. Release me from self and keep me from harming others. I know you feel my effort. Your Will not mine.
I certainly have the ability to be unhappy regardless of circumstances. I have often been so blessed and so miserable. I've heard; "Just be happy!" "You have it made!" "What do you have to be unhappy about?" and the like for years. I've never been able to explain the misery that is me. Depression isn't passing, it is me. The absence of joy. For years.
Finally, AA names my conditon "spiritual malady" and assures me that I'm not unique. AA says there is a common solution. It turns out my nine year old son was closest to the truth when he said, "Mom you're just feeling sorry for yourself".
God, This morning I've already yelled at small children, cut my boyfriend with my words, and lied to a woman that's trying to help me. It's only 10:08AM. Thank you that I know that I've done wrong. Thank you for showing me! Forgive me. Release me from self and keep me from harming others. I know you feel my effort. Your Will not mine.
The days are stacking up just like y'all said they would
After nine months of sobriety, I stopped for one beer from the store. I deserved it, damn it! I was working hard on the job and hard at home trying to keep it together and raise my kids! Well "damn it" I did. I trashed the apartment God brought me. The large one that allowed me to move out of my mother's house. The one that was rented to me despite the fact that I was unemployed and had been twice evicted from other places. Paying the rent didn't pose a problem because God gave me a job that paid $5 more an hour than the one I'd lost to my drinking the year before. I lost the respect of the family that had cared for my children while I did four months of inpatient treatment. I made selfish and reckless personal decisions. I started a relationship. I pulled a geographical. I kept drinking. I became more miserable. I begin cutting to stop crying. I called my prior sponsor. I drank. I called again. Desire began to rise.
About a month ago, I found myself 24 hours sober for the first time in over a year. It was just bad luck that the local county fair did not have a beer garden. After spending almost $90 to ride the rides with my sons, we were going to get our money's worth. Since I'm always sure that every eye is on me, I laughed extra loud and smiled hugely and loved and played with my boys for all the world to see. To my surprise, I really did have a good time. Some of those laughs were genuine. The boys grabbed for my hands and leaned happily against me. It had been a long time. It was an amazing day.
As we left the fairgrounds, the police were heavily in force. Pure fear of consequences kept me from drinking in the car on the way home. Once home, I realized, if I went to bed immediately, I could get 24 hours.
Thank you God for bringing me here, 31 days from that place. Forgive me for the harm I did today. My impatience, sloth, and need to be right particularly hurt those I love today. With Your Power some great things happened today too. I couldn't do Cub Scouts or bike rides or anything a month ago. Thanks for the gift of today. Thank you for the Grace that allows me to see You Everywhere at times. Forgive me for my unhappiness when I'm stuck in my head while in the midst of your wonder. Your Will not mine!
About a month ago, I found myself 24 hours sober for the first time in over a year. It was just bad luck that the local county fair did not have a beer garden. After spending almost $90 to ride the rides with my sons, we were going to get our money's worth. Since I'm always sure that every eye is on me, I laughed extra loud and smiled hugely and loved and played with my boys for all the world to see. To my surprise, I really did have a good time. Some of those laughs were genuine. The boys grabbed for my hands and leaned happily against me. It had been a long time. It was an amazing day.
As we left the fairgrounds, the police were heavily in force. Pure fear of consequences kept me from drinking in the car on the way home. Once home, I realized, if I went to bed immediately, I could get 24 hours.
Thank you God for bringing me here, 31 days from that place. Forgive me for the harm I did today. My impatience, sloth, and need to be right particularly hurt those I love today. With Your Power some great things happened today too. I couldn't do Cub Scouts or bike rides or anything a month ago. Thanks for the gift of today. Thank you for the Grace that allows me to see You Everywhere at times. Forgive me for my unhappiness when I'm stuck in my head while in the midst of your wonder. Your Will not mine!
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